Honey, I'm home

I got back this past weekend from a mission trip to southern Louisiana. I helped a victim of Hurricane Rita prepare for a new home. A new mobile home to replace her house of who-knows-how-many years. Because even with flood insurance, the property values in that part of Louisiana are so low that a new home can't be built without additional funds. Sometimes life sucks.

Upon returning to the office yesterday, I got lots of inquiries along the lines of "How was your vacation?" When I explained that it really was a mission trip, and gave brief details on what I did, I got lots of kudos from people about how nice it was I did that or what a good person I was for doing it. Then I felt bad. I didn't do it to get kudos from people. I didn't do it to prove to anyone I was a good person. And I definitely don't deserve the credit. Anything good in me comes from God acting in me through the Holy Spirit. Anything bad I do is my true nature peeking through.

This morning I picked back up a book a friend loaned me that I'd been reading lately. It has a kind of cheesy title (follow the link above to see) and I probably never would have given it a second chance if a good friend of mine hadn't loaned it to me. I put it down a couple of weeks before my trip, and just got back to it this morning. After finishing the last couple of pages of the chapter I left off with I came to the next chapter titled Appropriate Smallness: The Practice of Servanthood. It starts with a discussion of humility and what it really is, then discusses why people do service work and what the real reasons should be for serving others. It says the following, which is at least somewhat how I feel though I hadn't put it to words. And I don't know if I could say it this well.

We must minister out of weakness. The reason we help others is not because we are strong and they need us; it is because if we don't help them we will end up a hopeless relic.

This is exactly how I've felt about the mission work I do. At some level, I guess it's nice that people think I'm such a good person for doing it. I guess part of me wants them to see that I don't just talk the talk, but I walk the walk. I guess that's some pride peeking out. But mostly I help people (via service projects or other methods) because if I don't then I will become a hopeless relic. And hopefully in some small way they see the love of God through what I do.

In some small way, even writing about it seems to be detracting from the real purpose of the work. But this is my journal, and if I'm learning to write then I must actually write, and I must write about what moves me or what I'm feeling. I have to be authentic.